Turn the Paige Podcast

59: I Can’t Change You, I Can Barely Change My Gym Schedule

• Tajuana Paige & Sheree Paige-Barber • Episode 59

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What if the most liberating thing you do this week is unlearn a habit that’s been running your life on autopilot? We dive into the messy, honest work of letting go: letting go of fixer energy, of forcing timelines, of giving weight to words that don’t line up with actions. I share how I’m learning to accept my place in people’s lives without taking it personally, and why meeting people where they’ve met themselves can save you from disappointment and emotional whiplash.

From there, we get practical about boundaries that don’t require drama. We talk about walking away without matching rudeness, believing consistent behavior over pretty promises, and recognizing that inaction is still a choice that tells you everything. I open up about the hard pill of being the villain in someone else’s story, how therapy helps me spot projection and take accountability, and why “strong” isn’t about absorbing more—it’s about refusing to abandon yourself. If self-respect is a muscle, keeping small promises—to rest, to move, to stop chasing closure—builds it.

We also unpack the lure of the endless “why.” Curiosity can become a trap that drags you back into chaos for answers that don’t change the facts. My intuition usually knows first, and when I honor it, I skip a lot of pain. If you’re ready to trust your gut, choose your peace, and invest in relationships where words and actions match, this conversation will feel like a deep breath. 

Subscribe, share with a friend who needs stronger boundaries, and leave a five-star review to help others find the show. Then tell me: what are you unlearning right now?

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SPEAKER_02:

This is recording four out of four today. After this one, I am done for the day. I recorded three episodes prior to this solo ones. Um if you couldn't join me today, but I just had a lot of things I wanted to give out to you guys. And here we are. They are all in these four episodes. I'm so proud of myself. This is the fourth and final one today. Um, I don't know why I just said that. Um that might be a segue into what I'm talking about. I today, on this episode, am talking about a few of the things that I'm unlearning. And one of them being constantly saying um when I'm recording. I was just about to say now because it's just someone autopilot. I feel like whenever you hear people say um, it means that like they forgot that or that they're in unintelligent or that it's like they just don't know what they're talking about. But that's not always the case. Sometimes uh is a filler word, which our brain does like when they're silent or when you're trying to think of the next thing to say and your brain's working kind of fast, and you as the person are like, hold up, wait a second, not there yet. So I'm working on not saying um, but luckily we do have technology today where it takes off the ums and recording. So if I slip up, which I will because I am human, we have technology to back us up here to take it out. But yeah, so that's one of the things I'm unlearning. Another thing that I am unlearning is that once you figure out and accept where you fit in in other people's lives, you can then act accordingly. And you can get upset about it if it's not the place that you want to be in that said person's life or some people's lives. But once you fully figure that out and fully accept that you may not be a priority in someone's life, like they are in yours, you can then act accordingly and make them a priority no longer. Just said, um, just learning that and just learning that people learn unlearning that people do not operate on my time, they operate whoa, like newsflash, revelation. They operate on their own time, and that it's not always about me. Like people have things going on that have nothing to do with Tawana, that have everything to do with other people in their life or themselves, but just so many things, but then there's also lessons that I'm learning and unlearning that people so I'm learning this. People can only meet you where they've met themselves. So I used to think that if I got deep with somebody or like shared all this stuff with them, which is really funny because I have the type of personality where people will share deep things with me, and not once in there will I share something deep about myself. Like they will have to ask me, like they won't share voluntarily, they will have to ask me, or I have to feel like super, super comfortable for sharing deep things because I'm just a very private person, but I am realizing that that's not the right way to operate in relationships or friendships or like whatever because it's a mutual agreement. Um, like I'm unlearning, like, that's not the best way to operate, but the best way to operate is to share at the level, like to match the level that's being shared. I've said, um, I now that I've mentioned it to myself that I say, um, I'm gonna keep saying it. So please forgive me. Again, we have technology to back us up to remove this. But when I do share things with people, and not that they can't relate because I don't exp expect that, but if they don't have this the reaction that I was expecting for them to have when I shared said thing with them, I used to get really upset, but now I'm realizing that people can only meet you where they have met themselves. So if I'm sharing something deep with you, it's because I've gotten deep with myself and like I've processed it, and I tell somebody and they react like they're mean about it or they just don't understand, it's because they have not been able to meet themselves at that level yet, whether they realize it or not. But every conversation we have with other people, it's just sort of a direct reflection of like a mirror of ourselves essentially. So if somebody's unhappy with themselves, it'll be unhappy to be around them. They'll be rude to you, like they'll they just won't be a happy being to be around. And that's not to shit on people who are unhappy because a lot of people are unhappy for different reasons. Um, and it's sad, but also like it's what we have to deal with sometimes, you know. But and I just have been unlearning to take things personal. So like if someone's rude to me, it's not it might not be something that I did or like it might think it's something that I did, but it could have nothing to do with me. It could just be they're unhappy with things in their life and they're projecting, which we all do, but therapy and I've been therapeutized, so therapy will help you see that it's not good to project, but we all do it. And if you've been in therapy and you're projecting, you know how to catch yourself and you take accountability and you apologize. But I'm also unlearning that I thought that because you're an adult, you can handle your emotions. That is not true. That's not like the entropy into being an adult. I am um I am learning the new thought to that, the new revelation to me is that yes, you're an adult, but you may not know how to deal with your emotions because you were not taught, and a lot of us weren't, but you can learn that in adulthood. Some adults refuse to learn that, and that's okay, but they don't have to be in my life, they don't have to be in your life. You can remove yourself from this situation and not be in like the realm of them spraying their unhealed traumas and unhealed emotions, undealt with emotions onto you. You don't have to deal with that. There are very a lot of strong people out here who have put up with things that they should never have put up with, but they just felt they needed to put up with it because they were strong and they can get through it, but just because you're strong is not like you know, a ticket to you being walked all over just because you can quote unquote handle it. It's rude. I'm also unlearning that you can change people because you can't. I mean, we can barely change ourselves. That's like the bare minimum. Um we can. You can change yourself, obviously. It takes work. So when we feel that we can change other people by like our behaviors, it's not true because people are gonna act and do and say as they please. We are the only people that we can control. Only you can control yourself. You cannot control anybody else. And I think that's the big thing out here nowadays is that people think if they act a certain way or be a certain way or look a certain way or talk a certain way, that they'll be able to change people in their life. And that is very untrue. That is the path to disappointment and anger and frustration and sadness. And that goes for me, that goes for you. We all operate on our own timelines, and some people can't even see where you are because they're not on the same level as you. And that is completely fine. So you can I've been talking a lot with my therapist about this, where if people are rude to, like you don't have to be rude back to them. What you could do, because you don't want to match that energy, because that's what they're looking for, because they're just like angry. But what you can do is meet them where they are in the sense where like they're rude to you and like you have received that and you realize that this is not what you want, and you can leave them where they are, and you can move on with your life and leave them in an angry, rude state and wish them well, wish them the best. Like you can gracefully bow out with compassion, like you don't have to be rude back to them, you don't you don't have to stoop down to their level. That's with anybody, family, friends, like anybody, and that's with anything. Um also unlearning that you you can't force people to make you stay when they don't want to. And you can't make people want you if they don't want if they themselves don't want you. Like again, you can't change people. And also I'm unlearning that not that words mean nothing, but actions mean more. I'm learning that actions actually mean more because people can say all the words they want. Like people have made money off of saying of writing words, they're called books. And like I'm saying words right now on a podcast. But if someone says, Hey, you know, I'm gonna be there for you, or like it's up to you if we still talk, or whatever that is, but like their actions are saying otherwise, believe the actions, not the words. The words are BS. Believe the actions. If the actions are them pulling back and like not texting as much or just forgetting things that you talked about, about like improving and stuff, and their actions are doing the opposite, believe that believe them and believe their actions. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. May take a few times for them for you to believe them, but people we as people always show people who we are through our actions, through our words sometimes, but always through our actions and what we do and don't do because not doing something is also an action. If you someone says they're gonna be there for you, and then you have tried numerous times to reach out, whether it's like you share something happy with them or sad, and they have ghosted you or like not returned your phone calls or your text messages or anything. That inaction is an action, and that's the cue for you to gracefully bow out and be like, Okay, Nick, you lied, your words be nothing to me. But a really good thing and like an absolute blessing is when people's words match when people's words and actions match. That is like a diamond in a rough. That's amazing. When you find those people, don't let them go. Please keep them because when their words match their actions, they're legit. Like they are too legit to quit. If they say they're gonna be there for you and you call them to share good news or like something bad happened, you want to talk to them. They maybe they don't answer that moment, but they call you back or you like they you guys end up communicating and talking and they're there for you. They're excited for you, or like they are they're ready to like hold you and like let you cry on them, like whatever that whatever position they play in your life and they follow through with it, please hold on to those people because those are diamonds interrupt. But I'm also learning that or unlearning that okay, so I'm gonna say both things. I'm unlearning that everything is my fault because it's not, like in situations or whatever. And I'm also unlearning that sometimes it is my fault and it when and then when it's not my fault. So that ties to what I was gonna say that sometimes you have to accept the fact that you are the villain and someone else's story. Because we all have different versions of the same story. What is it? There's the truth, and there's your side, the other person's side, and there's the truth. But we all have different versions of the same story. So, like if you went through a breakup or like a friend breakup, whatever that may be, you each person in that party are gonna have different versions of what happened. So if the person who got broken up with, like they're obviously hurt, they're gonna have their hurt side and they're pissed off and like they have their version. The person that initiated the breakup is gonna have their version, and they're gonna be two different versions. They always will be because two different experiences occurred. You're broken up with, you did the breaking up. They're right off the bat, they're two different experiences. And when you hear both stories about the same situation, you're gonna like it's gonna be different. And sometimes you just have to accept the fact that you are the villain in someone else's story, whether that is true or not, like at its whole, sometimes we hurt people and we didn't realize it, or we don't believe it, or we f refuse to accept it. But sometimes we hurt people and you are the villain in someone else's story. And like end of story, that's it. Like, I feel like we have all had villains in our stories, like other like people that you have like problems with or just like have hurt you, and we've also been villains in other people's stories. No one's perfect. We all mess up, we all make mistakes. Um, but it's just about growth and accountability, and that's why it all ties back to people can only meet you where they have met themselves. So if there are people out here who, which there are plenty, who have not done the work, who are who have never done self-work, who are not not that they're not currently doing it, who have done it in the past, like people who have like gone on that journey of doing self-work and like cracking yourself open, going to therapy, journaling, like just really sitting with yourself and realizing whose story you're the villain in and whose story you not even the victim, but whose story you are the person who was hurt in and um like owning your voice in both stories. But there are some people who have never cracked themselves open, who have never ever done the work. There are people who have done the work in the past and they've gone that journey and they're on the other side, which is so amazing. There are people who are currently on the journey, but the people who are who have never ever cracked themselves wide open, who have never done the work, they cannot meet you on the same road on the self-work road because they will not know what is going on. And that's no dig at them. It's just they have not been there yet, so they don't know where it is. They can't meet you. They don't have a map for there. Um, they don't have directions. They have directions there, but some people refuse to take those directions for whatever reason. But I truly believe that people who want to do self-work and who want to work with themselves, like those are my people because we all have work to do. We all need to be working on ourselves. Um, because life is a journey, yes. But also like sometimes we can be really shitty people to ourselves and to each other, and it's not cool. Um, I'm not excluding myself because I can be as well. I've been villains in people's stories, and people have also been villains in my stories. Um, it's just a matter of like turning inward and realizing that you have work to do, and like the ultimate growth for me is realizing like the position and role that I play in anyone's life. Like once I figure that out and accept it, I will be acting accordingly. Um, like this is for me the season of me. And if you aren't matching my energy that I'm giving, then I'm gonna gracefully bow out. With compassion, of course. I wish you the best, but it's like I'm getting too old to be played with, not even like I'm too old. Like I just turned 39. Like we're playing child games here with certain people. So it's also like the work I need to do with like letting those people go and cutting ties with them completely, um, and just like leaving them where they are and removing myself from their lives um to the extent that I can. And also like I am unlearning that when you like say you're gonna do something and don't do it, hell it's like not that bad, but like it is. It's like you tell yourself you're going to, I don't know, like work out two days a week or like vacuum or like whatever it is. Like I'm just talking about these like not small things because like they can be they're big to some people, but if you don't do that, you just missed an appointment with yourself. It's like you scheduling a doctor's appointment and just straight up not going, or you like scheduling an appointment a meeting with your boss and you just straight up not showing up to that meeting. Like that's rude, and like especially no call, no show, that is absolutely rude, unless something legit happened, obviously. But if not, then that's rude. But when we break promises to ourselves and when we don't do things that we say we're going to do, like with ourselves, you're breaking a promise to yourself, and you aren't showing up for yourself, and that's rude. Like you, me, I'm talking to me as well, like I'm worth it, and when I don't show up for myself, and when I like abandon myself and like put myself in situations that I know were gonna end the way they've always ended, like a thousand times before, it's like I broke a promise to myself. I'm just like self-abandonment. It's like I knew better, Tawana. You knew better, you know better. But me, I am unlearning that my need to know should not always and sometimes never trump the reality. So it's like I am the type of like I love investigating things, I love figuring out like the why of things. So if like someone hurt me or like if something ended, like I really just want to know why, why the person acted this way, why they say this to me and they acted that way. It's like sometimes my need to know will blur my perception of what's actually happening, which is they're just a mean person, they are going through something right now and they didn't know how to say XYZ, or they're just an asshole. But like, um and I just like want to know why. Sometimes I just can't accept that like the reason is there is no reason, or that they're an asshole and you need to just move on and just like bow gracefully and leave them in compassion. But my need to know will put me in situations where I have where I will self-abandon myself, where I will end up being hurt in the from the situation, even when I knew better, where I will get myself into pickles where I'm like, No, I shouldn't be in this, but like I'm in it, so why not? It's almost like I crave like the chaos, which I don't, but like like my need to know mimics me craving chaos and craving like I just gotta prove a point. Like all these things in my head that I have made up about the story or whatever. Like I like my need like my cousin talks about this. Like, um, sometimes her need to know in the past has put her in like not so safe situations because it's like she's the type officer who like you just wanna she just wants to know why. I just want to know why things happened, like with certain people. Like, why did you act this way? Why did you say this to me and then you acted opposite of what you said? Like why? Just tell me why. And it's just like I don't know if it's like a selfish thing, I just want to know why. And I want to know like the part that I played in it, like were you think even thinking about me in that situation? Were you not even thinking about me in that situation? So I am unlearning that I need to know why all the time, and I don't need to know why all the time. I'm also just like unlearning that sometimes the answer is just because like people are people and just leave them where they are. So really trying to like hone in on that lesson in my life because it sucks when like you're the type of person that really wants to know why and you keep trying to investigate it and you keep getting hurt and you keep getting just disappointed and you're like just accept it, and I can't. I am learning to just accept certain people for who they are. They've shown me who they are to kind of believe them, like, oh no, no, no, like I know you're better than that, but maybe they aren't, you know? Just accept people for who they are and just move on. And I'm also unlearning that like like I'm learning to listen to my voice and my gut and my intuition because she knows, like she knows before I know. And when she tells me, it means she's already discovered it, figured it out, and is now letting me know. And I need to tap into that so much more. And that's always the voice in the back of my head being like, You knew this was gonna happen, why are you doing this again? So go out for punishment sometimes with certain people in certain situations, because I just like I'm like a hopeless, romantic, not even in like relationship way, but just like in life way, where I'm like, maybe this time will be different. And like sometimes it is, and it doesn't take me that long to get there, but other times like it's not different, and I'm like on round like 25, and I'm like, here we go again, because it almost makes me feel like a joke, and then I can't be taken seriously when I go through certain things. I'm just like, I knew this was gonna happen, but then it's like if I don't try this time, what if this is the time that the person changes or the situation changes? It's like sometimes I just need to let it go, and my need to know should not always be trumping the actual reality of the situation and my and my ability to accept the facts as they are. So those are just a few of the things I'm unlearning, thus learning, turning into new things that I'm learning. So please share with me all the things that not all of them, you don't have to, but a few things that you're currently unlearning and some of the things that you've maybe unlearned in the past that has given you a new perspective on certain things. Please feel free to share that. Um and you can DM us on Instagram on TurnThePage Pod. It's P-A-I-G-E. And that Instagram handle is always in the show notes. And then you can email us, which is also in the show notes, turn the page 521 at gmail.com. It's P A I G E. Yeah, or just put it um as a comment in the review section, because we would love a five-star review. We love them over here on Turn the Page Podcast. Yes, guys, I said um less than I thought I was, less than I thought, but more than I wanted to. Because I made it aware, I made myself aware of it. This was I thought this was a great episode. I hope you guys also thought it was as well. Yeah, this is a self-discovery journey that I'm on. Who knows how long I'll be on it? I feel like I'm always discovering new things about myself and just going with it. But I will talk to you guys soon. Please like, listen, share, subscribe, and when you talk to you guys soon.

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Sheree Paige-Barber

Co-host
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Tajuana Paige

Co-host